That feeling that literally stops your breathing. It brings every tiny thought to a screeching halt. It’s a picture. Of him. You know the guy that I am referring to. He is the one who could take your breath away 10 years ago. He is the one who has consumed so much of your thoughts for 10 years. Whether it was learning from him, or holding everyone else up to his standard, he was there at the forefront of your mind. I hope that someone reading this can just understand the sinking feeling I have in my heart right.
He does not take up my thoughts and day dreams as much as he used to, no. But every so often I stumble upon his picture on Facebook (damn you, Facebook) and I. stop. Dead. In. my. Tracks. I see him with his closed mouth smile and wonder if he is truly happy. I see the balding on the top of his head. And I see the two children he has acquired since I have been gone. I wonder if he ever thinks about me, too.
Him and I met in the 9th grade. We had geometry together and I thought he was a hottie! We flirted, but that’s about it. Senior year we became really close. We partied together every weekend. He was protective of me, and I of him. My feelings grew deeper, and I worried that I was too far into the friend zone to even date him. After all, he was Mr. Popular and I was just..me.
Finally when we were 19 I was planning on moving to Arizona to live with my mom (she moved there when I was 18). My friends were sad about it, but I wanted a change. One night I was dropping him off at home, and got a call from him as I turned the corner. He told me he forgot his wallet and to please come back. I pulled in the driveway, excited to see my crush for one more minute that night, happy to do him the favor. He got into my car (I am smiling so big right now, reminiscing) and he had this concerned look. He blurted out that I cannot move away. That he has feelings for me and wants him to stay. As his girlfriend. And move in with him. Him and I. My heart was beating so fast, as it is now. Those feelings were so strong and we were in love. We shared a kiss that was so incredible. Only two best friends could share such a momentous kiss. I cannot even remember how the rest of the night went (no, not that you guys!). But I could tell you dozens of stories, in detail that happened over the next 2 years.
Needless to say, that relationship ended. The story of why will be another day. But he is the guy. He is the one that can consume so much of me even after all these years. And it is not because I want him back or that I have not been able to move on. It is just something special that him and I shared, that we went through a lot together in such a short amount of time for how young we were. This is a relationship that I want to document. So I will come back to it.
But you guys. He is not even on Facebook, or any social media thank God, but he still haunts my internet. WTF. Before and after dating must have been such an easier concept 20 years ago!!
I would not go back and change a thing though. This was one of those relationships that taught me a lot about myself, love, strength, weakness, heart ache, independence, and persevering. Looking back may sometimes make my heart skip, but it brings me joy to know that I was lucky enough to experience such a thing, more than once. It Hardly Sucks at all 😉
I do feel so much better that I wrote that all out. I’m not even going to re-read this before I post. This will just be a raw rambling from a moment of chaotic thoughts. Good night and happy Sunday, readers!